Norse Pagans Announce Return to Raiding and Pillaging in Response to Christian Nationalism’s New Crusades

L’Anse aux Meadows, former Canada – In an unexpected yet curiously appropriate response to the rise of Christian Nationalism, which has effectively transformed the USA into a self-declared Christian Nation, as the US founding fathers presumably roll over in their graves, the global Norse Pagan community has formally declared the reinstatement of their ancient traditions of raiding and pillaging. This move comes after the GNP has liberated L’Anse aux Meadows from the control of the Canadian government, in a bid to return all historical Viking lands back into the hands of Vikings. “The Canadian Mounties were no match for our shield wall tactics,” claimed one of the Vikings after the battle that saw the routing of Canadian forces.

At a press conference held at the newly constructed Valhalla Hall, the high chieftain of the Norse Pagan Coalition, Ragnar Shield-Eater, addressed a crowd of reporters and supporters. Clad in traditional Viking attire, complete with axe, Ragnar proclaimed, “If the Christians are reviving the Crusades, it’s only fitting that we return to our noble heritage of raiding and pillaging.”

The announcement was met with enthusiastic approval from the assembled crowd, many of whom had already prepared their longboats and polished their broadswords in anticipation of a return to the Viking Age.

Modern Problems, Medieval Solutions

Ragnar explained that the resurgence of Christian militancy presented an opportune moment for Norse Pagans to remind the world of their cultural contributions. “Why should the Christians monopolize medieval nostalgia? We have every right to revive our own traditions,” he said, adding, “And our helmets are undeniably superior.”

The movement has quickly gained momentum on social media, with the hashtag #RaidAndPillage trending globally. Enthusiasts are posting photos of themselves in Viking garb, brandishing axes, and raiding their local Christian churches.

A Call to Arms – And Axes

Ragnar also announced the formation of the Modern Viking Army, a group dedicated to upholding the ancient Norse customs of raiding and pillaging. The MVA’s first official act will be a raid on the British Museum, which, according to Ragnar, is “essentially a giant treasure chest waiting to be reclaimed.”

Many experts have raised concerns about potential violence. Ragnar assured them that the new era of Viking raids would be “true to our heritage,” and that they would allow the attractive women of their defeated foes to enjoy a life of servitude as new bondmaids. He also mentioned that a return to the Viking cultural tradition of taking slaves will help to correct the problems of too many single men caused by the feminist movement, “but we will only allow the pretty ones to survive.” The MVA’s main focus will be on building a Viking nation, reclaiming cultural artifacts, promoting a return of worship of the Norse Gods and Goddesses, colonizing and capturing parts of Christian lands “so we can create many Norse-Pagan colonies where the soil is good for farming,” bringing back Viking poetry, and organizing grand feasts. When asked where they plan to raid next, many of those questioned said that the USA has some ideal places for farming.

History Repeats Itself

Scholars and historians are divided on the implications of this modern Viking revival. Some argue that it could exacerbate religious tensions, while others see it as an opportunity to educate people about Norse culture and history.

Thorstein Longbones, a professor of Medieval Studies at Valhalla University, commented, “This is a fascinating development. It’s rare to see a religious group actively revisit the Dark Ages. I, for one, am intrigued to see how they manage to balance historical accuracy with modern sensibilities.”

As the world watches this new chapter in a return to traditional culture unfold, one thing is clear: The Norse Pagans are determined to make their mark. Whether this will lead to a new era of cultural enlightenment or simply elaborate historical reenactments remains to be seen. Meanwhile, local hardware stores report a surge in sales of axes.